So, I started dating a guy after the “Big Ex.” You know, the Ex that just takes forever to get over. That one. The new guy seemed great and we really hit it off. Talking into all hours of the night, enjoying the newness of what was upon us. About three months into the relationship, he lost his job. Fortunately, he had a friend whose parents worked for a welding company in Oklahoma. Keep in mind it’s BFE Oklahoma. So he got a job working in the office at this company in Oklahoma…middle of freaking nowhere! I knew some guys in that industry and they told me this was a “super cushy, low stress” job.  However, Mr. Horrible No Good Very Bad Day Every Day made it seem like the toughest, most stressful job on the face of the Earth. We talked everyday and I was completely in love (or so I thought.) The distance makes you fonder right? Ha! So, I packed up my car, readied my playlist, and took a road trip to go visit for a week. I had a fantasy of it being all romantic and surprising, and I thought it would be a good way to keep him company and make his days better. You know, they were so awful in that “cushy” office job of his. Being a woman now, I had something sexy planned. This was going to go off without a hitch. He was going to love it. He was going to be so full of intense lust and love for me that he wouldn’t be able to see straight? Right? Well, that is how it played out in my head.

Just like any other day of his, this was a Horrible No Good Very Bad Day, but I had a plan. A sexy plan. I was going to cook supper for the two of us wearing nothing but an apron and heels, so when he came home he would see me as the sexy potential awesomeness that I certainly was.  Of course, he didn’t see anything. He walked in, looked at me, obviously recognized I was naked cooking, said hello, walked past me into the bedroom. Um, what? I’m NAKED HERE!!!! And I’M COOKING YOU DINNER. Oh, and by the way, I drove very far to be here to be naked in your kitchen preparing a lovely meal. What is happening? Surely he’s just gotta pee. Right, he’s gotta pee, and I’ll just wait here at the stove and continue to be sexy. Yeah, I’m good. Don’t over react. Yep. We’re fine.

He changed into comfortable clothes, came back. Yes, this it! This is the sexy time where he grabs me by the waist and kisses me gently like in the movies. And then, well you know….

“Um, Glitter, this is the universe, and I’m telling you to brace yourself.” WHAT! Brace myself? For what? Awesomeness?

He went straight to his Xbox. OMG. Seriously? A video game? There’s a NAKED WOMAN COOKING FOR YOU IN YOUR KITCHEN!!!!! Every possible emotion flashes through my body, pulsing down into my toes, well, my heels, since my freaking toes are cramped into these uncomfortable things so tightly. I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m utterly mortified. I’m self conscious. OMG. I am competing with an Xbox. I’m naked. It’s a video game. Lovely. This is SO NOT LIKE THE MOVIES.

So, what’s a girl to do? Put on clothes. Pack your bags. And walk out the door. So, that’s what I did. While this might not be the most embarrassing dating story you’ve ever heard, it’s by far the most humiliating. Putting yourself out there, and getting rejected in the worst way just takes a piece of your innocence away. A piece that you’ll never get back. A piece that, inevitably, you’re hesitant to give to another. But, keep trying. The right guy is going to love this.


Moral of the Story: The next time you cook naked, make sure it’s with a guy who likes you to be naked.

Stay Glittery, Daters!



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