After my college graduation, I went to a house party with some friends who had also graduated that semester. We talked, danced, drank some beer, and celebrated our achievements. However, at some point in the evening, one of the guys found a turtle and placed it in an ice chest in hope of setting it free in the woods later. Me, being the animal lover that I am, decided to take the turtle out of the ice chest and just give him some love.
I picked up Mr. Turtle and held him like a hamburger about six inches away from my face. I spoke to him as if he were a small baby. (Ok, perhaps, I had a few beers.) I ooohhhed and ahhhed and told him how adorable I thought he was. Something like this:
“Oh, Mr. Turtle aren’t you just so cute? Yes, you are! Are these guys giving you a hard time tonight? I surely hope they’ve been treating you well! Did they give you something to eat? Are you hungry?”
Let me stop here and just explain that I am a complete animal lover. I am the girl who will pick up a dog off the side of the road, nurse it back to health, and then give it a good home, usually mine. I’ve also been known to find small animals of all kinds and keep them around for a while…you name it, ferrets, rabbits, dogs, fish, frogs, crawfish (although they usually died in a few days), hermit crabs, etc. If I could have a fawn as a pet, and make it get along with my dogs, I’d have one of those too. So, petting a turtle and giving him some good positive energy was not out of character for me. Nobody blinked an eye when I put the turtle up to my face, nor did anyone seem to think that a warning was necessary.
So, as soon as I end my loving coddling of this adorable turtle, and I do mean AS SOON AS, his head snapped quickly out of his shell and latched on to my nose like a rabid dog latches on to fresh meat thrown out by the butcher. So, there I was with a turtle attached to my nose as if it were some new fashionable piercing. I vaguely remember some spinning around, somewhat like a cartoon character. Hell, I probably looked like a cartoon character at this point.
Not only was this insane in my book, but it hurt. I tugged lightly at him to pull him off without trying to startle him even more, but he refused to let go. He just latched on tighter. Everyone was laughing, and at first, so was I. But this little reptile did not find the humor in the situation. He was exacting his revenge on his ice chest capture right upon the tip of my nose. I continued to struggle with him, and asked for help from the surrounding guys. Finally, Mr. Turtle was removed from my nose, and with him, he took a very large chunk of my skin. LOVELY, NOW I LOOK LIKE RUDOLPH THE BLEEDING RED NOSED REINDEER.
My boyfriend at the time was quite an outdoorsman/sportsman, so I called him to come pick me up from the party. He didn’t answer. I knew he’d get a kick out of this, but at this point I just wanted to go home. My nose was bleeding and throbbing, and this was obviously a sign from the universe that it was time for me to call it a night. Later, I spoke to my boyfriend and recited the entire fiasco. To say he “got a kick out of this little scenario” would have been the understatement of the year. He might have thought it the funniest thing he’d ever heard. In true embarrassing jungly fashion, he arrived to meet me the following day with a gift. HOW SWEET, I thought. PERHAPS HE’S BROUGHT ME A LITTLE FIRST AID KIT. No, this was far too easy a practical joke target than something actually practical. Instead, he had gone and purchased me the movie “Earnest Goes to Camp.” Remember that one? Yeah, Earnest. Goes. to. FREAKING.Camp. I must say, well, played, sir. Well played.
So, yeah, don’t go coddling turtles in your face. It took weeks for my skinless nose tip to heal, and trust me, there is no amount of makeup that can cover a scab that encompasses the entire lower half of your nose. You just live with it, laugh with it, and try not to take yourself too seriously when people oddly ask you what happened.
Be careful, beauties, it’s a jungle out there! Makeup can only take you so far.
Stay glittery, daters!