meet the parents

I attended a bachelorette party one weekend and met this really cute gentleman. He and his friends hailed us a cab at the end of the night and paid for it making sure we got back to the hotel safely. We exchanged numbers and began chatting over the next few months. We scheduled a few dates, but couldn’t quite get our schedules on the same page, so my friends thought it would be a good idea to ask him to be my date to the wedding of the previously mentioned bachelorette. Sure, why not? Can’t be that big of a deal, right?

We set up all the plans, and he appeared pretty excited that we were finally getting on the same page. He brought a gift for the bride and groom, which I thought was insanely thoughtful considering he really did not know the couple. And the gift? A very nice bottle of wine. Well done, date.

It was an afternoon wedding, so after the reception, everyone made plans to hit up a local bar and watch the football game. Get that? After the reception? This means most of us were pretty tipsy, if not totally obliterated. I was at that point of tipsy where my mouth and my brain stop making connections and I talk incessantly about ridiculous crap while being the most overly friendly person you’ve ever met. Yep. I’m that girl. When I get this way, everyone is my best friend, I’m in love with everything and everyone, and we are all going to ride off into the sunset on the most gorgeous sparkling unicorn. Yes, that’s the kind of tipsy I was on this particular night. Unicorn tipsy.

You see, the problem with being unicorn tipsy is that I really enjoy making everyone around me happy, so I readily and enthusiastically agreed to forgo the bar plans with my friends and accompany my date to another football party. WHY IN THE HELL DID I DECIDE THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA? OH WAIT, UNICORNS. VERY SPARKLY UNICORNS. So, he explained that someone would pick us up from the reception site downtown and drive us to the party. After about 20 minutes, he alerted me that our ride had arrived. I said my goodbyes, and followed him to the street. He motioned for me to jump into the front passenger seat, and as I said hello to the driver, I realized that this driver is a bit older than me…like father-ish older. My date then made the introduction, “Glitter, this is my dad…Dad, this is Glitter.” WHAT!? WAIT, WHAT? WHY IS YOUR DAD PICKING US UP? OMG. I’M UNICORN TIPSY AND I’M MEETING HIS PARENTS! THIS IS NOT GOING TO GO WELL, AT ALL!

We continued on to this “football party” and when we arrived at a very nice residence, I assumed there to be loads of other people inside conversing, drinking, eating, yelling at the refs, etc. What I was really and secretly hoping is that everyone else inside was unicorn tipsy too. No such luck. (You should know I don’t have any luck by now.) We walked into the home, and there were 5 people. FIVE. FIVE EFFING PEOPLE! His mother, brother, grandfather, another brother and sister-in-law.

Let me just pause here and say WHO TAKES A GIRL A DRUNK GIRL TO MEET THEIR PARENTS/FAMILY ON THE FIRST DATE POST-WEDDING RECEPTION? WHO DOES THIS!! At this point, I was totally screwed. There was no sobering up. Except, if I ate. I thought to myself, “Maybe I should indulge in some food and try to pull myself together.” The hosts brought out some hot wings, and I desperately dug in trying to soak up all the wine in my system. The hot wings were vanishing quickly with others jumping in as well, and his brother says, “Dude, I thought you said she wasn’t going to eat. This is crap. We didn’t order enough hot wings for this.” Um, okay. Hot wings are a no-go. Check. I spoke to his mother for a bit about dogs and dog care because, at this point, what else was I going to carry on a conversation about? Maybe I should’ve told her how awkward this was, or how I wouldn’t have gotten so tipsy had I realized I would be meeting his whole family, or how I was really just interested drinking beer and watching football?

After a reasonable and considerate amount of time, I politely asked him if he could return me to the reception site. He obliged and drove me back.

I never heard from him again. But seriously, what did he expect when he decided to take a unicorn tipsy drunk girl to meet his parents on the first date?? How in the world did he rationalize that as a brilliant idea? Even worse, I cannot even remember the details of any other conversations I had with his family that night. They probably remember this story as, “Hey, dude, remember that time you brought that drunk girl here?” I know that’s exactly what I would say to my brother.

Had I not been so tipsy, I would have fully and properly analyzed that request and kindly said, “No, thank you.” But, c’est la vie. You win some, you lose some. And sometimes you meet the parents.

Stay Glittery, Daters!



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