You know what sucks? Slicing your nipple open with a razor blade in the shower at your boyfriend’s house. Yeah, that sucks. And that happened to me.
So, it was any other day, and I was staying at my Favorite Ex-Boyfriend’s house. We were getting ready to go out, so I hopped in the shower. We always got ready to music, so suffice it to say that I was, in fact, dancing in the shower. But, I seriously needed to shave my legs. I much prefer the shaving in the bathtub, especially now, but that day, I didn’t have as much time. I angled the shower head appropriately and put on the shaving cream. Shower head behind me and leg propped up on the back of the tub, I began to shave. After each swipe of the razor against my leg, I would turn my torso, and rinse the razor under the shower head. Well, guess who got careless and carried away? THIS GIRL. I swiped my leg once more and turned to the shower head, and that’s when it happened. SHARP STINGING PAIN RACED THROUGH MY RIGHT NIPPLE. “Um, what the hell was that?” I thought to myself. I didn’t even have to look at my nipple because blood was steady falling down the side of the tub and into the drain. Dumbfounded, I kept thinking, “DID I CUT MYSELF THAT BADLY? I MEAN MY LEG LOOKS FINE!” Um, hello, Glitter, your leg isn’t the thing stinging like hell!! You’d think I would have made the connection by now. Nope. Too easy.
I see the blood cascading from my nipple and scream. Not like an “OOOOOhhhh!” but more like a “AAAAAHHHHHEEEEEKHAHAHAHAHA, [INSERT FAVORITE EX’S NAME HERE] I SLICED OPEN MY NIPPLE HELP!!!
From the other room, I hear, “You did what?”
“COME IN HERE! NOW!” I screamed.
He walked into the bathroom, and I turned off the whole shower and threw back the shower curtain. As I stood there naked and bleeding, I think he was confused. He wasn’t apathetic, but wasn’t quick to react to my dilemma either. He just kind of stood there staring at me. MEN. Typical. A naked woman is bleeding from places she shouldn’t be bleeding and he’s staring at the naked body.
So, I explained the situation and he immediately provided me with one of those men’s shaving cut white sticks. Let’s be honest, those things look like chalk in the shape of a tampon, but I digress. He explained to me how to use it, and then I tried. And OH. MY. GAAAWWWD. The stinging is far worse than I ever imagined. But it worked. It stopped bleeding. I was saved. For the moment. Well, relatively saved.
Like an idiot, I wore a nude bra and a white shirt that night out. Thinking the tampon chalk stick fixed it all, I put on a Band-Aid and went on my merry way. Two or three drinks in with friends, there was an awkward look on my favorite ex-boyfriend’s face. He quietly stepped next to me and angled his body to cover my right breast area. He grabbed my hand, clasped our fingers together, and whispered,
“Baby, you’re leaking.”
UM, EXCUSE YOU. I’M WHAT? NO I’M NOT. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? RUDE.
Yeah, baby, your cut. It’s literally bleeding through your shirt. And that’s a white shirt.
OMG. HE HAS TO SPELL IT OUT FOR ME. BLOOD + WHITE SHIRT + BAR FULL OF PEOPLE = I’M ABOUT TO LOOK CRAZY.
Oh, God. We gotta get out of here.
Right about that time, his friend notices. Ever the smooth talker, I hear “Um, Glitter, is that some kind of costume or is your tit oozing blood?”
Classy, dude. Real classy. I wanted to respond, “Why, yes, so glad you’ve noticed. This is actually my fembot costume that I wear when I go out just to freak out people like you.” But I kept my mouth shut.
I turned and walked away. The bar was two blocks from his house, so I walked back there to change, clean up, and stain stick the hell out of my white shirt. When I returned to the bar, obviously in a different shirt, all the guys were laughing, and I had to explain, in detail, how this happened. There were questions like, “So, where was your right foot? And your left arm? And your boob?” Seriously??
Of course, it’s hilarious now, but that night, not so much. Who slices their nipple open shaving their legs??? I do, apparently. I went to the doctor just to make sure I hadn’t given myself any nerve damage, because that would just suck. The doctor explained to me that the tissue on that part of your body is the same type of tissue as your lips, so they have a tendency to rebuild quickly, but once broken or busted bleed insanely. Um, I got that part sir.
Moral of the story. Shaving in the bath is dangerous. Very very dangerous. Consider yourself warned.
Stay Glittery, Daters!